Three Feet of Global Warming

Story of a Western New York Winter

By Steven Patrick

Thursday, 2.15.07

Hollywood celebrities, rock stars and especially my co-workers are constantly reminding me that Global Warming is real, it’s our fault and we better do something to stop it. But sometimes I still wonder if it really is my fault or if it is even happening at all? I’m glad I have all those people to remind me that it is an undisputable fact so stop thinking.

However, as I was outside this morning shoveling three feet of snow out of my driveway in minus 3 degrees, I naturally thought of Global Warming, although it didn’t feel quite as bad as the day before when it was minus 18, with the wind chill. That darn wind is a killer. Ever try golfing in the wind? If there is a way to end Global Wind I’m all for it! But I digress because the real problem here is Global Warming.

So today at 6:30 am, as I was breaking my back moving mountains of new snow, wearing fourteen layers of clothing and icicles were growing from my nose, I knew one thing for sure, I was certainly not contributing to this Global Warming problem, or Global Heating as some prefer to call it, because I don’t use a nice big gas powered snow blower. Those CO2 emitting monsters are causing this massive heat explosion in the first place! No I use a simple non threatening plastic shovel. After all it’s the little things.

You see, if we can all just do our own little part then we can save this planet from certain annihilation. That is what people like Leonardo DiCaprio, Pink and Al Gore tell us, you know the experts. (By the way, Al Gore is planning a mega concert for Global Warming awareness for all of you who’ve never heard about it.) Leo’s been globe trotting around the world and Al Gores’ been putting on some massive productions to alert us to these dangers. (I’m sure they are taking hybrid cars everywhere and not using those nasty jets that burn so much nasty earth killing fuel.) In fact, Al Gore says we have only TEN YEARS LEFT! So we better start doing the little things. So I continue to shovel my rather long dive way, the entrance way to my front door, the steps for the mail lady, and the sidewalk for kids going to school. All in all it’s about an hour of back breaking snow shoveling labor. No doubt worth it if it saves the planet from total incineration.

However, when I got to work I was instantly troubled by my co-workers who were discussing the joys of their massive gas powered snow blowers! I wondered why only I am fighting to save the earth from turning into a giant fire ball. Especially since my liberal democrat co-worker friends are the biggest champions of Global Warming you’ll ever meet.

In fact, in the past they’ve made me feel just downright awful for my decision to own an SUV. Never mind that some of them drive SUV’s too, that’s not the point! (Conservative SUV drivers are probably the real global threat.) So you can see why I was dismayed over this apparent contradiction and planet saving hypocrisy. Certainly they don’t intend to save the planet only when it’s convenient for them?

I asked my co-workers that question but I didn’t get a direct answer. Kind of like when I asked the same question in summer about the gas-guzzling weed whackers they use to cut up the earths weeds. All I’m told is that Global Warming is real and everyone knows it and if everyone knows it, it must be real.

So even during these times of face cracking cold and mountains of snow, I’m still in effect doing a “greater service” for my planet than many of those who are actually taking on the cause of Global Warming. Go figure.

So if my co-worker friends are right and Pink and Leonardo are right, and Al Gore is right and Global Warming does cause the earth to cease from existence in ten years, all I know is that I’ll be very angry that I spent my last years shoveling and never bought a snow blower.